The handheld multi-tool industry has been infected by the hostile takeover bug, and industry ANALysts are inflamed with latest hot bombshell to drop on one of the most highly watched sectors of cheap japanese shit that breaks like the second time you use it; rumor has it that the GNAA may be planning a hostile takeover of the Bosch Tool, solely for the purposes of revamping the stagnant multi-tool division. Dremel sandwich-board spokesman and former HIV candidate John Kerry was unavailable for comment, as he was leaking gallons of botox and texan man-spurt from his ocular and anal cavities respectively.
Chief GNAA Metallurgist and Head technician l0de was contacted for information about the possible takeover. We were permitted to interview him as he welded pubic hairs onto a giant steel nigger wang installation at the GNAA worldwide complex.
"Well jew," (note: the GNAA representative refuses to refer to members of the media by any terms other than "Jew", "dirty Jew", "Juden" or via a string of unintelligible drunken slurs thought to be highly anti-semitic) "were your mind focused on logical reasoning instead of the seeking Aryan women to rape, money to covet, and more of my nigger brothers to exploit, you would see that it's only logical that the GNAA acquire Bosch. Look at the GNAA's track record. After our highly successful acquisition of Husqvarna chainsaws, the company saw a five thousand percent increase in its shipments of our new Anti-Infidel Lopping line, thanks to key innovations like spatter-free blood grooves and a clean, professional lop that no other chainsaw in the industry can match. This quarter, over twenty thousand units were delivered to Fallujah alone, which are more units than the company sold worldwide in any quarter of non-nigger ownership. Thanks to our three step kill-whitey, kill-hymie zerg-rush-gogogogo managerial model, the GNAA has been taking food out of whitey's mouth for some time now, and we plan to continue this trend, until the last of your graves has been dug up and desecrated, you honkey motherfucker."
The hulking renaissance man of the GNAA then paused to menace one of the journalists on hand with a plasma cutter, laughing heartily as he fused camera to cameraman with a 25000 degree plasma arc, destroying all record of the interview which has been reconstructed in fragments by the testimony of three journalists who were traumatized for life by the size of his massive nigger wang.
"You see, you dirty kike, the GNAA has plans for this dismal retailer of shitty tools. We've taken a look at what can be done with the current dremel stock, and to tell you the truth, I'm not impressed. You can see one of our test-runs on the website of Dremel themselves, where we demoed one of their pumpkin carving tools. The Dremel tools were great for carving the sacred of visage of goatse (PBUH) into pumpkins and with soft-felt tip attachments, seemed adequate for polishing the assholes of our boyslaves, but they're just not exploiting their full potential. To really get the most out of a hand tool, you need to have something no Dremel tool, currently offers correctly, and that's reciprocating force. Allow me to demonstrate.
l0de then seized former junior reporter Carl Stevens (obituaries, page 4) with one hand and proceeded to analy violate him with what has been described as a "gasoline powered rotary pneumatic gattling dildo." The resulting screams were reported to the police by people as far as 10 km away.
"You see, that's the power of reciprocating force. You don't get that with the dremels of today, and that's why the GNAA is dedicated to bringing you the hard, pounding force it takes to power the industries, home workshops, and classrooms of the future. Just look at this asshole widening attachment, it goes from pre-molestation choirboy to full on analboy ruination in less than a second at 15,000 RPM. Rosebuds used to take MONTHS! Allow me to demonstrate, you fucking heeb."
At this point the interview was ended as the journalists in fear they would never shit right again for the rest of their days. This is truly thrilling news for industry watchers and consumers alike.
About Dremel:Dremel has been making shitty tools since 1932. For a lot of years, the Dremel rotary tool was the little known secret of pedophiles and torture freaks around the world. They used it for everything from two to eleven year olds, creating an entire "child modding" scene, (which even the recent case modding scene has yet to surpass in outright faggotry. A few years ago, the word began to get out, and suicide do-it-yourselfers began snapping up Dremel rotary tools and worthless overpriced attachments.
About l0de:In the capacities of GNAA radio show host, ascii artist, and official mouthpiece, l0de serves the goal of worldwide gay nigger hegemony. His swollen head is alternately attributed to meningitis, experimental gay nigger braintapping gone horribly wrong, or being a retard ass waterbaby. Faggot ass Slashdot homosexual fucking linux using nigger kike fucking open source jew-dago pussies wishing to listen to his weekly broadcast are advised to join #gnaa on niggernet Friday nights at midnight CST.
